so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
