Plan B is the new Plan A
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
