I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
