omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
