the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
