Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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