I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
