dude i'm inner monologue high
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
