Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
