i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
