just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
