the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
