There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Randomize
