Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
