are you still at the devil's house?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
