Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
