Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I enjoy the company of your penis
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
