Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
