***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
