All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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