it was like his penis was on wheels.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
