my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
