Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
