wakey wakey hands off snakey
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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