i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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