i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
