I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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