Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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