Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
