I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
