i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
