I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
