So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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