3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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