Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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