If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
