Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
