I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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