his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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