He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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