Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dignity is for republicans.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
