My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You're a waste of cheezeits
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Randomize
