im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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