I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
