my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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