So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
