i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you win again, gameday.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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