I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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