I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
