I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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