True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize