I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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