mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
