just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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