I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
