FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
