Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
