I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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