Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize