I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
