I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
