I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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