Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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