I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
