I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
