How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
