saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
