absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
