The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I am naked and annoyed.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
